


The Toy Crown Incident

by bananacosmicgirl



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Drunk Sex, Drunkenness, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 03:40:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananacosmicgirl/pseuds/bananacosmicgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ted wakes up naked in bed with Barney. Detective work to find out what happened to get them there ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Toy Crown Incident

Ted woke slowly. He could feel warm sun on his back and his arm was comfortably snug around another warm body. His sleepy brain registered soft skin and the even movement of the other person’s breathing. Even half asleep, Ted’s body responded to the close proximity, growing hard and nuzzling closer to the other person.

Eyes still closed and his mind barely awake, he began running his hand lazily up and down the curve of the hip and slim waist. The other person started shifting beneath his hand as Ted’s hand moved downwards—

And then Ted sat up abruptly, suddenly wide awake and his heart beating fast, because that was decidedly not a woman’s body.

Short blond hair, creamy white skin. 

“Oh holy f— _Barney_?”

Barney sat up sleepily. “Huh? What? Who—Ted? What are you—why are you—”

He looked entirely disoriented, hair pointing in every direction. He grabbed his head with both hands.

“Shouldn’t talk so loudly.”

“What are you doing in my bed?” Ted exclaimed, ignoring Barney’s wince. He was also ignoring the tent in the blanket covering the lower half of Barney’s body, as well as his own arousal. He had not been turned on by Barney. This was just—morning glory. A biological thing – he’d woken up next to someone and the reasonable reaction had been—

He was not thinking about it.

He tried to hide himself beneath his blanket best he could, even though Barney was still cuddled beneath the same blanket. This was a whole new level of embarrassing. Why the hell were they naked together in bed? 

Never mind, don’t answer that, he screamed at his brain.

Nonetheless, he had to ask, “What the hell happened yesterday?”

He couldn’t remember. It stood to reason that if he couldn’t remember, then there must’ve been alcohol involved. Ted wasn’t sure why he didn’t have a hangover like Barney if that was the case, but a little giggly voice in the back of his head told him that he might still be a bit drunk and that the headache and nausea would come in a while.

“Shh,” Barney said, finger over his mouth. “C’mon Ted, be nice.”

“I am nice,” Ted snapped. “But you’re in my bed.”

Barney looked around, as though only now noticing, even though it wasn’t the first time Ted had pointed it out. 

“Huh.” Then, “So, did we have sex?”

Ted boggled, eyes widening. “Did we—what— _no_!”

Barney looked almost disappointed. “You sure?”

Ted couldn’t be sure of anything. The last thing he remembered before waking up a few minutes ago, was sitting at MacLaren’s the night before feeling sorry for himself after his latest girlfriend dumped him.

 

\--

 

“So then she goes, ‘I think we’re better off as friends’. Pfft, friends. As though that ever works out.”

“It did with me,” Robin pointed out.

“Yeah, well, you’re special,” Ted said morosely.

“And you were friends before getting together,” Lily pointed out with a smile before patting Ted’s hand. “It’s not that bad. She kinda sucked. Her shoes were ugly.”

“I don’t base my choice of girlfriends on their footwear,” Ted said.

“Maybe you should,” Lily said. “You can tell a lot about a girl from her shoes, you know.”

Ted raised an eyebrow at her.

“Take Robin for example,” Lily said. “Today’s boots indicate she likes both practicality and style. The high heel suggests she doesn’t like doing too much hard work. The purple makes her stand out in a crowd. And mocha implies she’s very brave.”

Robin looked part amused, part like she suspected that half of what Lily had just said had been an insult.

“How does that help me pick my girlfriends?” Ted asked, not understanding.

“Dude,” Marshall said. “You don’t ask questions like that. It’s not a discussion you want to get into.”

But just as Lily breathed in to start telling Ted more about shoes and women, Barney returned to the table with a tray of shots. 

“And here’s for us, my good sir,” he said, setting down the tray in front of Ted. “Tonight is a night to drink all our sorrows away.”

“Barney, I don’t think—”

“Aaand we’re having another night when that word is forbidden,” Barney said. “No more thinking.” He handed Ted a shot. “Bottoms up.”

Barney downed his and Ted stared doubtfully at his. The last time he’d gotten well and truly plastered on Barney’s order, he’d ended up with a pretty girl in bed and a pineapple of still unknown origin. That wasn’t so bad. What was the worst thing that could happen?

 

\--

 

“What happened after that?” Ted asked. He stood up, grabbing a shirt to hold strategically in front of himself, noting that at least he hadn’t sprained his ankle this time around. 

Barney shrugged, still sitting on Ted’s bed. He looked terribly inviting, all smooth skin and blond hair and blue eyes and—

Ted told his brain – or whatever other part of his anatomy currently in control – to shut up.

“You sure we can’t just, you know, sleep for a while longer?” Barney asked, yawning and looking a lot like he wanted to crawl under the cover again.

“No, we can’t ‘sleep for a while’,” Ted said. “You’re not sleeping in my bed again. Like, ever. Ugh. What the hell did we do last night to end up—”

He wanted to feel sick at the memory of waking up spooning with Barney, but somehow, surprisingly, he didn’t. His dick was hard and that wasn’t going away.

He looked around, searching for clues of last night’s activities. There were clothes scattered across the floor, but that could be from them just going to bed drunk, he reasoned. It really didn’t have to have anything to do with any other activities.

There was a plastic toy crown sitting on Ted’s nightstand, with fake rhinestones in various colors strewn all over it. Ted hadn’t seen it before.

He turned around and looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was on end too, and his eyes were a little bloodshot, but mostly Ted saw the large hickey on his throat.

A hickey.

On his throat.

He hadn’t had a hickey in years. 

Fuck.

He dressed at a high speed, almost falling and hitting his head on his dresser in his hurry to get out of there. He couldn’t justify going in a turtleneck because it was in the middle of the summer, but he chose a shirt with a collar at least.

“Where are you going?” Barney asked, sleepy and quiet as Ted made to leave.

He threw Barney’s discarded shirt and suit pants at him, implication obvious that Barney needed to get out of bed and get dressed. 

“I’m calling Lily.” He needed to get clarity in what had happened.

 

\--

 

Lily yawned. “I think I’m going to call it a night. Marshmallow, you coming?”

“Yeah,” Marshall said. “I was up really early this morning.”

“You booores,” Ted drawled. “The night has only bust jegun.”

Barney giggled – giggled! – and pointed at Ted. “You’re drunk.”

Ted looked pointedly at the shots glasses and half-finished drinks standing on the table. Well, it was as pointed a look as Ted could manage in his inebriated state.

“You’re both drunk,” Robin said. “Really, really drunk.”

Ted cocked his head to the side and looked at Robin. “You know, Robin, you’re really pretty. Like, really. Your eyes are all sparkly and you have nice teeth.”

Robin snorted. “Nice teeth. Thanks. Lily, are you sure you can leave me with these two and still sleep soundly tonight?”

“I think we’ll manage,” Lily said, sharing a look with Marshall. “No one’s forcing you to stay.”

“Someone’s gotta keep an eye on them,” Robin said. “And besides, I’m heading straight to work after this. There’s no point in going home.”

Lily smiled. “You guys have a good night. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”

“That doesn’t rule much out, Aldrin!” Barney said. “You’re a little minx.”

“Hey!” said Marshall. “That’s my wife you’re talking about.”

Lily grinned and dragged her husband out of there. “Night, guys.”

 

\--

 

“You just left us?” Ted asked. “Just like that? Don’t you, you know, feel responsible for us?”

Lily shrugged. “What were we supposed to do, baby-sit you?”

“Yes!” Ted exclaimed, though he realized that he wouldn’t have appreciated it the night before.

“Robin was still there.” Lily cocked her head to the side, a smile spreading across her lips. “What happened last night that was so bad?”

“Nothing,” Ted said quickly, hoping neither she nor Marshall would catch sight of the hickey and start asking questions he didn’t know the answer to. He glanced at Barney who was sitting on the couch, eyes closed, looking a little worse for wear in the midst of his hangover.

Lily’s eyes narrowed. “Something happened.”

“There’s a toy crown on my nightstand,” Ted said, hoping to sound as truthful as possible. It was the truth, it just wasn’t the whole truth. “And I don’t remember anything from last night. I just want to know.”

Lily headed to Ted’s room and came back a moment later. “The toy crown isn’t the only interesting thing in there.”

She held up a little plastic wrapper.

Ted’s heart stopped.

A condom wrapper.

“So where’s the girl, Ted?” Marshall asked, grinning. “Or did she go down the fire escape again?”

Ted felt the heat rise in his cheeks. His body remembered all too well the feeling of Barney’s naked body pressed up against his own, all long limbs and surprisingly soft skin.

He forced the thoughts out of his mind.

“I don’t remember,” he said, and at least that was the truth.

“We should get Robin,” Marshall said. “She can probably tell us more.”

Ted wondered if he really wanted to know.

 

\--

 

“We need to go out somewhere,” Barney said, words blurring together in the alcohol haze. “We can’t just sit here. We need to see the world.”

“I think you should—”

“No thinking, Ster—Scher—Schatsky,” Barney said. “Tonight is a night for no thinking!”

“Schatsky,” Ted giggled. “It’s your new nickname.”

Barney rose. “C’mon, Ted. It’s time we make this city ours.”

Robin followed them at a bit of a safe distance as they left MacLaren’s and headed down the streets of New York. Neither Ted nor Barney had a specific destination in mind – and even if they had had a destination in mind, it was doubtful whether they’d have been able to make it there – but they didn’t care. 

They passed a hot dog vendor.

“I’m hungry,” Barney said. 

“Then you should eat,” Ted said practically. 

Giggling madly for some unknown reason, they ordered a hot dog each.

“I have a hot dog,” Barney said. “It’s all big and red and—”

“Your hot dog looks delicious,” Ted said. “Can I have some?”

“Don’t you have one of your own?” 

Ted grinned. “It’s more fun to share.”

 

\--

 

“And then you were standing there in the middle of the night, feeding each other hot dogs like you were crazy kids on their honeymoon or something,” Robin said. She’d just arrived home from work and had immediately been roped into the inquisition going on as Ted tried to figure out what had happened the night before.

Ted stared at her. “I’m sure we were just hungry.”

“Sure,” Robin said, nodding, not sounding the least bit convinced. “That’s all it was.”

Barney had been surprisingly quiet throughout Ted’s attempts to find out what had happened the night before. He hadn’t made so much as a comment on the exchange they’d apparently had while eating hot dogs. He seemed subdued and it wasn’t just the hangover.

“Barney, do you remember anything about last night?” Ted asked, a little suspicious.

Barney gave a tiny shrug. “Some recollection of the hot dogs. And there’s a stain on my shirt. It had to be either blood or ketchup, so I guess it was ketchup. Seems like the better alternative.”

Ted wanted to ask why it didn’t seem to bother Barney so much that they’d woken up intertwined, but he couldn’t say anything about it as long as the girls and Marshall were near. They’d have a field day with that, for sure.

His dick twitched again in remembrance.

“What happened after the hot dogs?” he ground out.

“Well, I didn’t stay with you for much longer after that,” Robin said. “I had to get to work.”

 

\--

 

Two girls had stopped and were whispering things into each other’s ears. Ted and Barney were oblivious, engrossed as they were in feeding each other bites of their late night snack. A bit of ketchup dribbled down the side of Barney’s mouth and Ted reached out and wiped it off, then licked his finger slowly.

They noted neither Robin’s stare, nor the two girls.

Only when the girls came closer, giggling, did they notice them.

“Hi,” said one of the girls, a brunette in a skirt and high heels.

Barney leered at them immediately. “Hello.”

“This is probably going to sound weird,” the other girl – blonde, big blue eyes, long legs – said, “But we’re going to a party and we really think you guys should come along.”

Ted was pretty sure this had to be one of those backwards days again, when good things happened when you did bad things. No way did two gorgeous girls such as these just come up and invite them to a party otherwise. Not that he could remember doing anything bad recently.

“Robin,” called Barney, waking Ted from his thoughts, “We’re going to a party.”

The two girls didn’t look too happy about Robin appearing. Robin looked equally unimpressed, though.

“It’s getting late,” she said, looking at her watch. “Or early. I have to get to work.”

“Noo,” said Barney. “Robin, it’s going to be awesome.”

“No,” Robin said. “Some of us have early jobs. But you two have fun. You look like you’re having a really good time already.” She gave them a meaningful glance that was completely lost on them.

“Aww, Robin,” said Ted, but she waved them goodbye and disappeared down the street.

 

\--

 

“I have no idea what you did after that,” Robin said. 

“We’ve got to get a hold of those girls,” Ted said.

Lily studied him. “Why is it so important to know what happened last night?”

“I don’t like losing several hours of my life.” Ted hoped that was a convincing half-truth. He didn’t like it – and really, he should avoid drinking so much that he blacked out, but sometimes he did it anyway – but most of all, he needed to know—

He wasn’t sure what he needed to know.

Why he and Barney had woken up cuddling?

That he and Barney hadn’t had sex? 

“We can go to this place,” Barney said.

“Huh?” asked Ted.

Barney held out a receipt. “That’s where I bought the crown, apparently. The girls were probably with us when we were there.”

Ted hated only a little how un-Barney Barney was being. All quiet, with soft blue eyes gazing at Ted with—

Oh, Ted was so not going there. He saw nothing in Barney’s eyes. Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing!

They went to the store.

 

\--

 

“So what are two lovely ladies such as yourselves doing out at this hour of the night?” Ted asked, trying for charming but failing spectacularly because he was drunk off his ass. The girls had shared two bottles of something strong with them. The stuff made Ted’s throat burn and eyes water, but at least it kept the inebriety up.

The girls giggled. They did a lot of that. 

“Lovely ladies?” said the brunette. “Who uses phrases like that?”

Barney slung an arm around Ted’s shoulders. “Teddy here does. He’s prince Charming. A real catch. If you want the whole marriage and babies thing.”

“Prince Charming, huh?” said the blonde, grinning. “You should have a crown. Like that one.”

They were passing a little store with a neon sign above it that only worked a little, so instead of it saying ’open 24 hours’ it said ‘pen 4 rs’. 

Barney stared at the little toy crown in the window as though hypnotized and then went inside. Ted and the girls followed, a giggling heap of drunken stupidity. It was a wonder they didn’t trash the whole place by mistake, considering how bad their coordination was at that point.

Barney paid the man behind the counter and stuffed the receipt in his pocket. 

“Thank you, my good man,” he slurred at the guy before turning to Ted. “Here, prince Charming. Your crown.”

Ted looked at the toy crown. It was big enough to almost fit him, all golden with little colorful stones on it. He grinned and took the crown, proudly placing it on his head.

“I am King Ted,” he said, trying for regal.

“Prince,” Barney said. “I’m king.”

Somehow they made it back out on the street. The crown fell off Ted’s head and Barney caught it, more coordinated than someone in his state of drunkenness should be.

“You should kiss your prince Charming,” the blond girl said, smile almost a smirk.

It should probably have set off more alarms than it did, but Barney didn’t seem to be particularly bothered by the suggestion. Instead he placed the crown back on Ted’s head and before drawing back, he captured Ted’s lips in a wet kiss. 

The girls clapped and whistled at them. 

 

\--

 

“Oh, you two.”

The fat, balding man behind the counter didn’t look happy about seeing Barney and Ted again. He stared warily at Robin, Lily and Marshall and scowled.

“We were wondering if you knew what happened after we left here,” Ted said.

“I told you, I don’t want anything to do with folks like you,” the man said.

“Folks like them?” Lily asked, confused.

Ted had the flash of what had happened outside the store just a moment before the guy behind the counter answered.

“Fags,” he said, spitting out the word as though it disgusted him.

“We’re not—I’m not—we don’t—” Ted protested, but what could he really say? Vaguely, he recalled Barney’s warm, soft lips against his own. It had been a sloppy, drunken kiss, but a kiss nonetheless and Ted hadn’t protested or shoved Barney away. 

“I told you to leave,” the man said. “You were kissing and them girls were all giggling and I told you I’d have none of it.”

Not that any of the others seemed to be listening. 

“You two _kissed_?” Lily and Marshall said in unison, Marshall shocked and Lily with a grin spreading from ear to ear.

“We were drunk,” Ted snapped. “We all do stupid things when we’re drunk.”

Barney muttered something about being drunk too, protesting far too little, really.

“Yeah, but—kissing Barney?” Robin asked, chuckling. “I know he—but I didn’t think you—”

“I was drunk!” Ted growled, turning on his heel and leaving the store. 

He kicked at grovel on the street, angry. He wasn’t sure who he was angry at. Barney for kissing him? Himself for not stopping it? Himself for not only not stopping it, but also enjoying it?

Crap.

This was turning out to be one of the worst days in his life – and he’d had quite a few bad days, what with getting fired and being dumped on his wedding day. 

He slumped down on the side of the pavement, ignoring the world around him. After a few minutes, someone else came to sit beside him. 

“I, uh, I’m sorry about kissing you.” 

Ted glanced to the side to look at Barney. His shoulders were slumped and he still looked pale. 

“Are you really?” Ted asked.

“What? Of course I am!”

Ted made a face and turned away to glare at the traffic instead. 

“You don’t think I—you don’t think I wanted that, did you?” Barney asked and something in his voice made it seem like he was trying a little too hard. “It’s disgusting.”

“Are you sure? Because you didn’t exactly freak out when we woke up together,” Ted snapped.

“You seem to be freaking out enough for the both of us,” Barney returned, now with angry heat coloring his voice.

“Yeah, well, what the fuck do you think?” Ted said. “I woke up naked next to _you_.”

Barney’s face became a stony mask. “I’m sorry I’m so disgusting.”

He stood, brushing dirt off his pants before stalking off, anger and hurt pulsating from him. Ted thought about calling out to apologize, but the words caught in his throat.

He turned to find Lily, Marshall and Robin staring at him. 

“You woke up how, did you say?” Robin asked, shocked.

Ted buried his head in his hands.

 

\--

 

Ted wondered if he should be freaking out over the kiss. But it had felt good. Well, until the fat guy from the store had chased them off. Now they were walking next to each other, stumbling every now and then, both silent.

“You kissed me,” Ted said finally.

Barney glanced at him from beneath thick, dark eyelashes. “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

He didn’t sound the least bit sorry. 

“Do you like me?” Ted’s usual filter was obviously off, because such a stupid question wouldn’t have made it past his lips in sobriety. Then again, certain other things wouldn’t have made it onto his lips in sobriety either.

Barney snorted. “You’re such a girl, Mosby.”

Ted scowled at him, then stumbled over his own feet. Barney grabbed him to keep him from falling and they ended up very close.

Ted saw Barney lick his lips. 

“You gonna kiss me again, Stinson?” he slurred.

Barney’s lips was on his before he either of them had much time to reflect on any possible consequences. Tonight was about not thinking.

Barney’s lips were hot and hungry and his tongue soon found its way into Ted’s mouth. The wet heat sent signals straight down to Ted’s groin and his hands fisted in Barney’s hair, pressing him closer. Barney’s body melted against his own, all hard planes and soft skin. A groan escaped Barney as they rubbed against each other. Ted could feel Barney’s hard dick against his leg—

“You two coming or what?”

They broke apart, panting, and Ted found the girls watching them with amused smiles.

A part of Ted wanted to tell them that no, they weren’t coming. They were going to go home and then they were going to come in an entirely different way.

But Barney – still breathing hard and looking slightly dazed – grinned. “Of course.”

 

\--

 

Ted fielded questions about waking up with Barney. Lily was looking way too excited and Marshall was staring at Ted, and Robin had a look on her face that Ted couldn’t read. 

“It’s none of your business,” Ted snapped. 

Lily’s grin was wide. “Of course it is. Two of my best friends are getting together!”

Ted made a face. “We’re not getting together! There is no we!”

“Of course there is,” Lily said. “You woke up together – naked – and I found the condom wrapper. And we know you kissed.”

“There has to be another explanation,” Ted muttered.

Not that he really believed it. He remembered all too well – as they were told about the night before, flashes were coming back to him – how easy it had been to kiss Barney.

It had turned him on. 

It was still turning him on.

Then his cell phone rang. An unfamiliar number showed up on the screen.

“Hello?”

“Hi, it’s Jessica.”

“Uh—hi,” Ted said, having no idea who it was.

“You don’t remember me?” the girl asked. “I’m not surprised, you were pretty drunk. But you and your boyfriend hung out with me and my girlfriend last night. I was just calling to make sure you both got home all right.”

“That’s—nice of you,” Ted said, though he was stuck on her calling Barney his boyfriend. “What did we do last night? We’re trying to, uh, piece together the night and I’ve gotten to the store where Barney bought the crown for me.” He avoided saying anything about any kissing that might have happened.

“Oh yeah, then we went to the party,” Jessica said.

 

\--

 

The party the girls had talked about wasn’t a private little thing, but a big club with a long line of people waiting to get in and big burly security guards. The girls were apparently on some sort of list, because the group of four was allowed to bypass the line and just go inside.

The music was very loud and the dance floor was crowded.

But even as drunk as Ted was – and Barney soon handed Ted another drink – it was impossible for him not to notice that all the people dancing in there were dancing with others of the same sex.

“This is a gay club!” Ted yelled at Barney, trying to be heard over the music.

Barney grinned and downed a big gulp of his drink. “Good. Then I can do this.”

He dragged Ted to him and soon they were kissing and grinding, moving to the music. Ted was drunk enough that he’d forgotten that he didn’t really dance. Besides, it wasn’t so much dancing as it was—well, sex with clothes on. Ted felt Barney’s hard-on rubbing against his thigh and Ted’s heart was beating rapidly, his breaths short and hot. Some part of him screamed that this was a really stupid idea, but the rest of him couldn’t get enough.

Barney’s tongue was drawing patterns on his neck and then Ted felt teeth, nibbling and then there was sucking and rubbing and manicured nails going roughly down Ted’s back. He was going to have a mark on his neck tomorrow for sure. It didn’t bother him.

“Want to get out of here?” Barney asked, voice low and Ted couldn’t really hear him over the music, but he caught the meaning anyway.

He nodded, lips parted, aroused enough that he could barely walk because his dick strained against his pants. 

“You boys heading home?” The girls came up to them.

“We have some—stuff to take care of,” Ted said lamely.

The brunette smiled wickedly. “I’m sure you do.”

The blonde girl grabbed Ted’s phone and handed it back after a few moments. “Just exchanged our numbers,” she said. “If you two want to hang out again. We know a few other clubs that are really cool.”

“Mm-hmm,” said Ted, distracted by Barney who was heading off to get their coats. His ass was—well, Ted had never checked Barney’s ass out before, and now he wondered why the hell not.

There were cabs outside and Ted and Barney stumbled into one. Ted slurred out his address and tried not to lick his lips as he looked at Barney. Then Barney started trailing his hand up Ted’s leg, slowly inching upwards. He wasn’t looking at Ted, pretending to be doing it all on accident. Ted’s breath hitched as the hand came closer and closer to his crotch. 

“Fuck,” he mumbled under his breath and he saw the smirk on Barney’s lips.

Barney paid the cabbie and as soon as they were out of the car, they were pressed together gain, mouths and tongues and hands exploring wildly. Ted stumbled up the stairs, pulling Barney with him, their kisses only breaking for a moment as Ted fumbled with the door.

Once inside, they headed straight into Ted’s room where Ted proceeded to rip Barney’s shirt off, pressing closer, closer, licking every inch of skin he could find. Barney pulled at Ted’s belt buckle and unbuttoned his pants and underwear, pushing them down until they were pooled around Ted’s ankles. Then he dropped to his knees, licking his way down Ted’s stomach and down his cock, before taking it into his mouth.

Ted’s eyes rolled back and he nearly crumbled as his dick was enveloped in the wet heat of Barney’s mouth.

“Oh fuck yeah,” he breathed as Barney’s tongue danced all over him.

Ted’s hands fisted in Barney’s hair, pulling and hoping in some barely aware part of his mind that he wasn’t hurting Barney.

When he couldn’t stand it anymore, he pulled Barney up again, kissing him soundly and tasting his own pre-come on Barney’s lips. It was a little weird, but he was far too aroused to think about it.

He pushed Barney onto the bed and undid Barney’s pants. It was a little clumsy but then the pants were off and when Ted pulled Barney’s boxers off, his dick sprang up, large and swollen. 

Ted reached over to his nightstand for lube, taking a very brief moment to thank the stars that he had some at home, and a condom.

Barney was gorgeous beneath him, all blond hair and blue eyes, pupils dilated and his mouth swollen from kissing. His skin was creamy golden and Ted wanted to kiss every part of him.

“Have you—” Ted started, voice husky and low.

Barney nodded. “A few times.”

There was some surprise at that, but then again, not so much. 

Ted hadn’t, not with another man, but he at least he knew the basics of it. He wasn’t sober enough to worry.

He pressed lube onto his fingers and Barney’s breath hitched with anticipation. Ted rubbed circles around Barney’s hole and Barney whimpered, then gasped as Ted pressed a finger inside. He drew it out slowly, then in again Barney’s eyes wide as he watched Ted, mouth open. Ted added another finger, then another, stretching Barney. Barney arched beneath him.

“Ted, please.”

The neediness in Barney’s voice nearly made him come undone. 

Ted pulled his fingers out and rolled the condom on, heart beating wildly. He was so hard he was aching and even his own touch was almost unbearable.

He slowly sank into Barney, taking care to stop when Barney winced, even though it was almost impossible. Barney was so tight around him, so fantastically tight. 

“Are you okay?” he asked roughly.

Barney opened his eyes and nodded. There were so many feelings swirling in his blue eyes; adoration and trust and— “Yeah.”

They started moving, slowly at first, but then Barney arched beneath him, gasping. Ted grinned and did his best to hit the same spot again. Barney writhed beneath him, a groan of pleasure escaping. The sound egged Ted on and he started moving for real, a faster pace until Barney was begging and gasping and they both lost themselves in the sensations. There was nothing but them, nothing but touch and warmth and—

Ted’s hand wrapped around Barney’s dick and then he saw stars as he came, and he felt Barney do the same, coming all over their stomachs.

Ted collapsed unceremoniously, not caring the least about the mess they’d made, breathing hard and feeling his dick pulsate for several long moments until the orgasm passed.

 

\--

 

“At least that’s what I guess happened,” Jessica said and Ted could hear the grin on her face.

Ted remembered. The feeling of Barney’s mouth on his dick, the sensation of pressing into Barney, the blood rushing through him as he came—

They’d really had sex. 

And it had been awesome.

He realized he was hard again, for the umpteenth time that day 

His mouth was dry. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” she said. “Really.”

He hung up and turned. Lily, Marshall and Robin were all watching him.

“I’ve gotta find Barney,” Ted said.

Lily grinned. “Of course you do.” Then her smile disappeared. “If you hurt him, I’ll have to hurt you.”

“I—I’ll try not to,” Ted said, wondering when he’d started worrying about Barney’s feelings.

Ted glanced at Marshall, trying to read his reaction. Was he disgusted by the turn of events? Was he okay? Ted wasn’t looking forward to discussing this with him. Either way, it couldn’t be done now. Ted had to find Barney, because—

Because what?

Because they’d had fantastic sex? 

Because Ted had enjoyed kissing Barney?

Because Barney had looked at him with complete adoration and trust?

He shouldn’t be having a crisis of sexual identity when he was past thirty, but Barney had always stirred up feelings that Ted didn’t know he had, so maybe it wasn’t so surprising.

He left the others without another word.

 

\--

 

Ted handed Barney some paper and they wiped themselves off. They both needed to take a shower, but neither had the energy to do it right now. 

Instead they crawled in beneath the covers, both naked. Hesitantly, Barney laid stiff a foot away from Ted.

Ted rolled his eyes, though Barney couldn’t see, and scooted closer, wrapping an arm around Barney’s middle. It was like pressing a button; suddenly Barney relaxed and nuzzled closer, sighing in contentment.

Ted wondered if is should feel weird to be cuddling with Barney, but somehow it wasn’t.

 

\--

 

Barney was sitting on his couch in his bachelor pad, looking morose. It was only two in the afternoon, but he already had a drink in his hand.

He looked up when Ted came in, letting himself in with his spare key. Ted flashed back to the night before, to blue eyes staring up at him as Ted fucked him—

“Hey,” he said, forcing those thoughts out of his mind.

Barney sighed and didn’t wait for niceties. “Look, Ted, I don’t feel like listening more to how this all disgusts you. I’d be more than happy to just forget about it and pretend it never happened.”

Barney was giving him an out, even though Ted had a heavy suspicion that Barney really didn’t want to forget about the night before.

“Why’d you kiss me?”

Barney stared at his drink. “I was drunk. We all do stupid things when we’re drunk.”

“Barney, c’mon,” Ted said. “The truth.”

“That is the truth.” He refused to look at Ted.

“So if I kiss you now, you’ll be disgusted?”

Barney stared at him. “You’re not gay.”

“Nah,” Ted said. “But apparently, a little bisexual. At least for gorgeous blonds with too many catch phrases.”

Barney only continued staring at him.

“Look, Barney,” Ted said, “This is weird. You kissing me is weird, us fucking last night is weird, me liking it is—really, really weird. But I did. Like it.”

“It certainly didn’t seem like it this morning,” Barney said.

“I didn’t remember.” Ted wondered why it made all the difference in the world that he remembered more now. It was still only flashes and glimpses, but it was enough, somehow. It was enough because it told him how much he’d liked it. How much he’d loved having Barney looking at him the way he had.

“And now you—”

Ted pressed his lips against Barney’s, effectively shutting him up. He could probably have tried to explain his change of heart for hours without Barney believing him. This seemed quicker.

Ted opened his mouth and ran his tongue across Barney’s lower lip. Barney wasn’t slow to respond, pressing closer and soon their tongues were playing, exploring. Ted’s hands cupped Barney’s cheeks, fingers running across the sharp cheekbones and defined jaw line, so different from the girls he usually kissed, but different in a good way.

He found himself hard, wanting to rip Barney’s clothes off again and this time, he wanted to remember all of it.

“Are you sure?” Barney asked, coming up for air briefly. His cheeks were flushed, his lips red.

Ted gave him a look. “Do you ever ask the girls you drag home that?”

“You’re not just some girl.”

“Damn straight,” Ted said. “Or, well, not straight as it turns out. But I am horny and I need you to stop asking questions. I want you and you’re gonna have to get used to that.”

Barney stared up at him, blue eyes wide. Then slowly, uncertainty was replaced by a self-assured smirk. 

He pulled Ted towards the bedroom.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this prompt on the HIMYM kink meme. If you posted the prompt, this is for you. Also, I don’t usually do NC-17. I hope it gets a passing grade at least.
> 
> http://purplepimphats.livejournal.com/1157.html?thread=137861#t137861


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